


Skin Deep

by Accal1a



Category: Cut & Run - Madeleine Urban & Abigail Roux, Sidewinder Series - Abigail Roux
Genre: Boys In Love, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Introspection, Loss, M/M, Tattoos
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-25
Updated: 2019-03-25
Packaged: 2019-12-07 02:36:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,237
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18228773
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Accal1a/pseuds/Accal1a
Summary: Nick's body is a canvas...that's not necessarily a good thing.





	Skin Deep

**Author's Note:**

> The prompt was "Exs Name Tattoo".
> 
> I'm sorry?

Nick didn't often notice his tattoos nowadays. They had been part of him for so long that it would have been weirder to see bare skin. 

The gigantic tattoo on his back had been with him since before he had joined the marines, part initiation into the mob, part nod to his heritage, part symbolism that that part of his life was behind him. That one he didn't often see, but he knew it was there, felt its weight sometimes when he was thinking of those days, how he had ducked out of the life just before he had fallen into it head first. He had no doubt he would have been running the mob by now if he had stayed. Paddy's right hand man until such time came that he could take over.

The gauntlet tattoo that Eli had designed was one that made him melancholy and smile in equal measures. He remembered him drawing it on him, remembered the laughter that accompanied it, but also the look of intense conversation on Eli's face when he'd drawn it. He'd somehow managed to incorporate Nick's essence into that simple pattern. It was symbolic to his roots, but also to his present. That Eli chose that part of his body as his canvas, that he saw him as a protector of those around him warmed him at the time, and since then it had given him strength. Eli believed in him, and sometimes that was enough to get him through many a difficult situation.

The eagle, globe and anchor was the one he actually noticed most often, partially because it was Kelly's favourite and he always felt the ghost of his touch across his shoulder even when his partner wasn't present. It made him smile when he thought of how it had been caressed, licked, bitten and gripped in the course of their passion. He could remember getting the ink with Ty, a way to forever link their service with their bodies, to tell anyone who cared to see that he was a marine and he was never more proud of anything...until he and Ty made Recon.

Sitting on the side of his bed, he ran his fingers carefully over the Recon Jack that JD had recognised earlier that day. That tattoo he remembered vividly receiving. It had been the first time they'd had leave after they'd made Recon and he hadn't thought twice about it. It was the accumulation of his professional career, all the hours he'd thought he wanted to give up, all the missions that he'd nearly died, all the moments that he wasn't sure he'd get to this tattoo chair. It was important in a way so few things in his life had been up until that point. It proved he was a survivor.

When Ty had told them of his deception in New Orleans', told them all that he was the reason they were no longer an active team, no longer useful, that he was the reason Nick had lost the only family he'd ever known, it was worse than a blow to the heart; it had been a blow to his very soul.  
Tracing the familiar pattern, a pattern he'd traced so many times in his waking hours, a ritual that soothed him that he hadn't even noticed he had been doing, it felt like his very skin was a lie. He was Force Recon, he should have _still_ been Force Recon, and Ty fucking Grady shouldn't have taken this from him. He shouldn't have taken this from _any_ of them. His arm seemed to mock him with its insincerity.

If he was an angry man, he might have slashed a line through it, crossed it out so that it couldn’t hold sway over him anymore, but he wasn't like that. He had always been the calming centre of Sidewinder, the person that his teammates came to if they needed a shoulder to cry on, the strength of him, the rock in the tumultuous sea. This time though he felt adrift. His own body was betraying him, showing him his failure, indelibly inked under his skin, a constant reminder of his loss, of his grief. 

Instead, he hunted out a black Sharpie and coloured over the top of the tattoo, meticulously covering up something that used to bring him such joy. It took a long time, and by the time he was done he felt slightly more at ease. It was as if blocking out the shape had drawn a curtain over it, allowing him a moment's peace. 

He lay down and fell into a fitful but ultimately unbroken sleep.

~~~

Waking up in the morning, Nick was momentarily confused about the streak of black on the cover of his bed, and a brief inspection of the sheets showed further streaks of black. It was akin to the ink stains after he'd had a tattoo…but he hadn't had a new tattoo.

That was when he remembered the night before and the grief slammed into him like a physical blow, stealing the air from his lungs and making him gasp. He looked down at his arm, the arm he had almost covered in Sharpie, and suddenly needed it off. He couldn't look down at his arm and not see the Recon Jack. That was almost worse.

He scrubbed in the shower until he was all but raw, his arm red and slightly swollen, but blessedly clean. The Jack still mocked him though, seemed to say with its stare that Nick could have done more to keep him, _should_ have done more to keep him. That he had lain down without a fight, even though he hadn't known that there was a fight to be had. He had been Ty's best friend, he should have been able to read the man, should have known that something was going on. The government didn't put thousands of dollars and hours of manpower into training young recruits and then just put them on retainer. They had been good. They may have even been the best team out there. He should have known that something was fishy about their discharge, their pay off, and their new civilian life.

Nick stared down at the tattoo again until he got dressed, pulled a long sleeved shirt over the offending item and moved to his car to go to the airport to pick up Kelly. He plastered a smile on his face and pushed away thoughts of his failure, trying to live in the present and not feel the past. His raw arm burnt, a reminder that this wasn't over, it may never be over. He might spend the rest of his life hating a part of him that he couldn't change. Might spend the rest of his life resenting his best friend for the choice he had made for him. Might spend the rest of his life knowing he'd lost one of the most important things he would ever have… a home.

When Kelly stumbled off the escalator, uncoordinated and grinning, that all faded into the background, because he had a home now and it was with Kelly. 

"You okay?" Kelly asked immediately, seeing the look in his partner's eyes, the look that said he was shouldering the guilt of something and trying to swallow it down.

Nick smiled, genuinely. "I am now."

It was only half a lie.

**Author's Note:**

> I fudged the timeline a bit and had an overnight between JD arriving and Nick picking Kelly up...purely a plot device, hopefully it didn't lessen your enjoyment at all.
> 
> Come and visit the [Cut & Run Discord Server](https://discord.gg/vvy6c76) and join us as we discuss/scream about this awesome series.


End file.
